(check out our original post “How Sushi Are You” by clicking here… – This is where I introduce the Sushi 12!)
Education is to sushi parents what skinny calves and slim fit button downs are to their children… EVERYTHING! As kids we went to good schools, had great tutors (for just about anything…I think I had 7) and were given all the best opportunities.
Accordingly, it is ingrained in sushi to study— late nights in the libes, uggs, sweats with your sorority on the butt and maybe even a cute sweatshirt that intentionally shows a little shoulder. Yes, we work hard… but we definitely play harder! And for this reason we would never ever want to go Harvard, Princeton or Yale… #nerds. Instead the cream of the sushi crop HAVE to attend one of two schools:
The “We did better than you in high school so now we need to develop a drug problem in college” division: (Penn and Cornell)
Sushettes in training from Dalton, Horace Mann and Harvard Westlake make their first visit to Penn for Spring Fling shortly after their sweet 16. They learn of the allergy they need to develop to ensure a single in the baby quad, the beige-block house they will be passed down from their future Theta and SDT sisters, and what it means to eat like a poor college student- happy hour at Pod. They also catch their first glimpse … The War.
Biggie vs. Tupac; The Bloods vs. The Crips; The Montagues vs. the Capulets. These feuds pale in comparison to the generation long war that occurs every day on the rough streets of West Philadelphia between… Theos and Oz (formally Sammy and ZBT).
Imagine the Skulls, but without Pacey. These fraternities hold the keys to the future: Wall St, an apartment in the West Village, Amex Black cards. Every day is a fight to stay on top.
Sushi on Sushi violence escalated to an all time high recently when one of the Theos bros, who was a triple legacy, pushed a boy from Oz because he was only 2nd generation at Penn… The two fraternities went on to set a record for most people involved in a fight without a single punch thrown!
Fortunately, the cops came to break it up, but not before one angry Oz made a statement that pushed the rivalry over the edge: “You’ll never work at Goldman Sachs… EVER!”
I know. It’s bad! At Penn, you need to have eyes in the back of your head. That is, unless you are in Zate, Owls or Tabard. Then you’re too chill to even worry about these juvenile things.
Students of these societies arrive at Penn as sweet, innocent valedictorians from nice American suburbs only to graduate with European accents and a passion for the finest in Colombian exports. My good friend George, who I knew in high school from debate, now goes by “Jorge” and kisses me on both cheeks when he sees me… so worldly!
Despite all the tensions on Penn’s campus there is one thing that will forever ring true. Be it a lager for the bros or a vodka soda for the gals, you are no one at Penn unless you spent at least 100 nights of your senior year at Smokes.
You were driven when you were a kid and HAD to go to an Ivy League school. But there was one teeny problem. You couldn’t get into 6 of them.
Harvard, Yale and Princeton were out of the question for the reasons above. You couldn’t go to Brown because your father wasn’t a millionaire. Your parents didn’t go to Penn, so that was out. And Columbia has like a 4% acceptance rate. That left you with two choices, Cornell or Dartmouth… And Hanover, New Hampshire is the only place in the world that makes Ithaca look like Beverly Hills.
So you back-doored your way into an Ivy thru the ILR, hotel management or agriculture program and life was great. You got to tell your friends and grandparents that you were going to an Ivy League school and they were super impressed. You updated your Facebook page and like a million people liked it. And then you got to school only to realize:
“This place is so f’ing hard!”
The motto is, “easiest Ivy to get into, hardest to do well at”… That couldn’t be more true. Yes, you studied a lot… But that’s ok… The scene at Olin is a-mazing. You had some great choices for study besties be it Kappa, DG, SDT or AE PHI and great sushi at Plum Tree when you needed a study break.
Still, Cornell Sushi parties harder than any school in the Ivies. #OxyMoron?. College town is A-mazing. Dinos and Johnny O’s are must stops with some late night at Palms to cap it off. And Slope Day is Spring Fling but better… ‘cause it’s on a slope!
Yes, Penn might be ranked higher. But there is one thing that the Big Red will always have over the Quakers (besides a better mascot). See, while our school is in one of the two states that are actually acceptable to live in, you guys go to the University of Cheesesteaks… LOL!
Oh, and CTB puts Greek Lady to shame!
Beautiful homes in Beverly Hills, Lower Merion or Scarsdale, babysitters, little league and gated communities. Life as a sushi youth can best be summed up by one word: “safe.” It is for this reason that it makes so much sense that Sushi flocks to these next two Sushi 12 schools every year. These college towns are just like the movie “Pleasantville”. The police department’s toughest job is rescuing little kitties, and everywhere you go someone is smiling. These places are heaven…
All of this would be true if today were Opposite Day! With that:
The “Holy crap, Why do I go to school where The Wire is filmed?” Division: (Syracuse and Maryland)
Ok… so you were pretty cool in high school. You did pretty well academically but you were also normal. You played a few sports, got invited to the cool parties and had way more sex then the kids that went Ivy. Cornell and Columbia weren’t in the cards for you and you are totes ok with that. NYU was out of the question because you prefer frat guys who wear normal jeans and will have careers in media sales to hipsters who wear girl jeans and are destined to have an identity crisis… But you also needed to be in NY.
Which leaves one option… Syracuse.
Living on the Mount freshman year you call your mom 3 times a day on the way to class. About 2 weeks in you realize how much you love communicating and before you can say Spicy Tuna Roll you decide to major in communications at Newhouse… 4 more years until my career in PR begins!
Marshall Street is a-mazing like Soho, only in a dangerous city! An avocado salad at Bleu Monkey or a few pizza bagels from Cosmos and you almost forget about the three murders that occurred last week a few miles from campus.
You could harp on the fact that you live in the scariest place on earth… OR… you could pledge one Syracuse’s many a-mazing sororities and make the most incredible besties a sushette could ever dream of. (3 of my girls were in the fashion show..so f’ing hot).
December hits and it’s 3 degrees. You call your mom crying (your first time as a grownup) about the older boy that you met outside of Chuck’s only to pass a swarm of SAE boys heading to a giant bubble. They’re kind of crazy but fun! This is when you first discover the most A-mazing thing about Syracuse… the basketball games.
Yes, the games in Syracuse are fun, but you should see the CUUUUUUUUUSE games at MSG in New York City. See, 99.7% of Syracuse alums moves to New York after college (one girl from every pledge class tries to become an actress in LA) and so we totes pack that place. And just when being a Syracuse grad in New York couldn’t get better, what happens… the Knicks get #Carmelo. Knicks! So you see, if you want to be an A-mazing New Yorker, then there is only one place you can go to school. SYRACUSE!
There are many things in life that leave this Sushaholic confused. Seasons 2-4 of The OC, the beginning through the end of Inception, being 14, and why they ever did the Tori years of Saved By The Bell. The fact that sushi migrates every year to Maryland, where people are obsessed with lacrosse like normal people are with Christian Louboutins, and where you have a 1 in 10 chance of getting shot at is another one you can add to that list.
Lacrosse. Come on people! White backwards hats and pink pants.. #Lame! Every guy in Bentley’s Bar has floppy hair and is named Brent. Ok- so some of the boys are cute and lacrosse abbrev’d is Lax which is the name of the official airport of Hollywood. But still… It doesn’t make sense.
And then there is the big Maryland event…The Preakness… a horse race. EEK! Which of the following should I add to ”How Sushi are you?”
1. I love to get peed on!
2. Rushing my friends to the hospital…SO FUN!
3. Oh, and I can’t wait to show… my boobs… in public!
4. Did I mention I love peeing in… porto potties!
5. My favorite thing to drink is… BUDWEISER!
6. All this, so I can watch my fave thing in the world… Horse Racing!
You get my drift.
You know, it’s funny. On the surface, attending Maryland makes about as much sense as casting a 40 year old to play Andrea Zuckerman. But like all sushi 12 schools, Maryland manages to make the most of an interesting situation.
For my vodka soda, Maryland is the most fun Sushi 12 school to visit. (that is when you’re not being shot at… ick!)
Parties on Greek row are Gnar Gnar, Cornerstone is an institution and maybe the most fun bar in the Sushi 12. And there are few things I’d rather tweet than “Hanami with my girls!”
Lastly, Maryland people hate Duke, the land of #Dushi Bros… So I love Maryland!
In the 2008 presidential election, Barack Obama received 52.9% America’s popular vote. In the same election, he received 99.4% of America’s Sushi Vote. A passion for politics is as good an excuse as any to attend the prestigious George Washington University. But come on! You know that’s knot why you went there. See while Obama may be the most powerful man in the world, the most powerful person in the Sushi World’s last name starts with K and ends with “ardashian.” And so is the 2nd and 3rd most powerful:
The “I Heart Polit… I just can’t wait to live in New York!” Division – GW
GW sushi do things that all college students do. They hit the gym, they buy clothes at local stores, they drive cars and they grab drinks with friends. Only it’s a little different.
Their gym is an LA Sports Club in the Ritz, their local stores are the high end boutiques in Georgetown, their dingy cars are Audi A4’s, and a casual drink is “Hey Dave, want to meet up for a bottle or two at K Street Thursday night?”
4 years in AEPhi, KKG and SDT are really just holdovers till GW Sushettes can start their real life in the Big Apple. For the bros it’s the same thing but with Apes and Sammy. They say that if you can make it thru Apes pledging, then 100-hour work weeks on Wall Street seem like Summer Camp. Columbia Plaza, 2400 or Winston House turn into Windsor Court, 300 Mercer and the Caroline. Bars in Adams Morgan become Bro J’s and Joshua Tree and Coney Island becomes 16 Handles. (Ok… Not even New York could replace Halloween or Spring Fling at GW… The Best!)
GW is great because it is a lot of fun and under 3 hours from NYC on the Acela Express. But we can’t let the political culture get lost in all the a-mazingness. GW students do care about politics … and this BBM convo between Jordana and Ali proves it:
Jord: What ru doinggg?
R✓Ali: Just at starbucks…ugh there are so many hipsters in here!
Jord: Hipsters are gross!
Jord: Wait what did u get?
R✓Ali: A grande cafe mocha dolce latte skinny espresso macchiato double skinny no whip
(5 minutes later)
R✓Ali: HOLY 16 HANDLES!!!
Jord: Whattttttttttt, I already told u she is cheating on David.
R✓Ali: OBAMA IS IN STARBUCKS!!! Michelle too!!! She is so f’ing hot!
Jord: OMG he’s so famous!! U have to go say something, this is a once in a lifetime opp. what are u going to say!?!?
(5 minutes later)
R✓Ali: Hey sorry… I did it!
Jord: What did you say?
R✓Ali: I told Michelle I loved her shoes…
Jord: You. Are. Perf.
In less than 5 years, these two will be pushing strollers in the west village… A-mazing.
Sushi loves warm weather- visiting the grandparents in Miami, your besties in LA or even a casual jaunt to Turks and Caicos with your older Hedge Farm BF.
Warm weather = Pools…
Pools = going to the gym, making your arms and calves toned so that you can go to the pool where you can get good color so that you can go out every night and look your best and then go back to the pool to recover from your hangover and still look A-mazing in a bathing suit!
The “Why don’t we all go to school here” Division: Arizona
Arizona by definition is a Sushi outlier.
The weather is… nice (what a crazy concept). It’s 90 degrees and sunny every single day of the year! Every girl is so f’ing hot! And every guy is so f’ing jacked! That sounds like an a-mazing place to spend 4 years! Just like… Ithaca!
If you went to Arizona- instead of losing your virginity in October of 11th grade, you lost it sometime between 9th grade graduation and the end of your teen tour roughly 45 days later (extra sushi points if you lost it at a camp social and double extra points if he went to Takajo.)
Lindsay from Upenn loves to make fun of Ali from Arizona… “What a whore! That’s not even her real hair color! It’s too hot to wear knee high boots!” But in reality, Ali from Arizona has it all right.
After college when you’re both competing for Private Equity Boy, yes, Linds, you will have the Ivy League degree, but Ali will def be so much f’ing hotter. Ali will also have no problem with guys being naked while Linds from Penn still thinks, “Penises are yucky!”
Meanwhile, during college, Arizona still has all the traditional perks that all sushi requires. Brunch at Hotel Congress or Bobo’s, salads at Chopped and a-mazing sushi at Fuku. Dirtbags is way more fun than Ivy League bars, oh, and how are the pools in Philadelphia? Come visit me at Starpass in February!
(That’s it for the Sushi 12… Get ready because I have some more fun stuff cookin’! … In the meantime, Follow me on Twitter HERE for updates!)